Snap Out Of It! And Other Unhelpful Advice.

Granted, we are living in what could be called a depressing time. It may not be that more people are actually experiencing clinical depression, but it seems that more people are willing to talk about it. In fact, I did a Google search for “how to talk to someone with depression” and unearthed over 18 million hits.

“[Depression] is not the stigma that it once was,” says Carolyn Rounds, LCSW. She adds that currently, in her practice, she sees more men than women about clinical depression, which goes against the old stereotype that men are more likely to suffer in silence.

People may mean well and really want to help their loved ones living with depression, but often don’t know the right things to say. According to Ms. Rounds, more likely, people say things that aren’t especially helpful.

“Acknowledge the person’s feelings and invite them to talk if they want to,” she said. But try not to make comparisons, for example, saying, ‘Well, let me tell you about the time I was depressed,’ or ‘What do you have to be depressed about?’”

Coming up with the right words can be especially difficult if you haven’t experienced chronic depression yourself. Saying things like, “I know how you feel, I get the blues sometimes,” isn’t very helpful because having a couple of down days once in a while isn’t the same as being in that dark hole of clinical depression. You simply don’t know how that person feels. And this is someone whose emotions are running very close to the surface. His or her feelings of guilt, shame and fear of rejection could be triggered by a poorly chosen word.

In general, you don’t have to “understand.” Admit you don’t understand, but invite the person to talk about it (if they want to), to tell you how they are feeling. Having chronic depression can feel very isolating, and sometimes just knowing that the people in your life really are on the other side of that wall, and caring about you, can be helpful.

And it’s not helpful to try to be that person’s cheerleader. When I was going through a bout of clinical depression a few years ago, pretty much the last thing I wanted to hear somebody say was, “cheer up!” (Actually, it made me want to pop them in the teeth!) I didn’t want somebody to fix me, I didn’t want someone to tell me how my depression was effecting them, and I didn’t want anyone to say I should just get over it already.

Thanks to the Depression Alliance, here are some other unhelpful things to say to a loved one living with clinical depression:

1. There’s always someone worse off than you are.
2. No one ever said that life was fair.
3. Stop feeling sorry for yourself.
4. So you’re depressed. Aren’t you always?
5. Try not to be so depressed. (My personal favorite…so, OK, and while I’m at it, I’ll also try not to be so short!)
6. It’s your own fault. You enjoy being miserable.
7. I think your depression is a way of punishing us.
8. Haven’t you grown tired of all this “me, me, me” stuff yet?
9. Believe me, I know how you feel. I was depressed once for several days.
10. Have you tried chamomile tea?
11. You just need… (fill in the blank)

 Instead, try saying this:

1. You’re not alone in this.
2. You are important to me.
3. Do you want a hug? (If appropriate.)
4. You are not going mad.
5. When all this is over, I’ll still be here and so will you.
6. I can’t really understand what you are feeling, but I can offer my compassion.
7. I’m not going to leave you or abandon you.
8. I love you. (But only say it if you mean it.)
9. I’m sorry that you’re in so much pain; I’m not going to leave you. I am going to take care of myself, so you don’t need to worry that your pain might hurt me.
10. Is there anything I can do for you?

So tread gently. Some day you might be in this person’s shoes, and you may not want to hear that all you need is to a nice vacation. Or to just snap out of it!