Letting Go of Emotional Suffering

One of my favorite quotes is from Gandhi: “Life includes pain; suffering is optional.”

I don't know if he was referring to physical or emotional pain, but I think it could apply to both. Yes, in whatever number of years we are given the pleasure of having these bodies, we will experience physical insults and emotional duress. But have you noticed a difference between the types of people who let a minor injury or the briefest of emotional upsets rule their lives (and the lives of those around them), and the ones who seem to be able to put up with amazing physical and emotional burdens and still maintain an outlook of peace and serenity?

One of my neighbors is in the latter category. She lost a baby to SIDS, her marriage fell apart, and she was dealt injury upon injury, and yet her disposition stays sunny (or at least what I've seen of it) and there’s this aura of serenity about her. I asked her about this once, when I was struggling, and she said that she prays. She happens to be a very religious person, and I’m not. But using her religious training lets her separate herself from her distress, and that helps her survive what could have crippled many other people.

But I’ve learned over the years that you don’t need to be religious to learn how to distance yourself from your pain and negative emotions. And yes, I believe that this is a skill you can learn. It takes a great deal of practice. I’ve been at it for years, and I still have moments when I fall into old patterns and cry and eat chocolate and rush into my husband’s arms for comfort. But then I take a deep breath (or a bunch of deep breaths), reground myself, and start again.

Here’s another example. During the program that I took for people with mood disorders, one of the other members frequently mentioned that she was bipolar. No judgments intended toward people who have been diagnosed with bipolar syndrome; what bothered me was that she was identifying herself with her condition. I also noticed several other people speaking of themselves in the same way. I brought it to one of the coaches, and we talked for a while in group about separating the “I” from the diagnosis. “She” is not “bipolar” in the same way that I am not fibromyalgia. I am not back pain. These are just conditions that I happened to find myself in. I’m not saying that these aren’t serious conditions and you should simply ignore them and not treat them, but when you fall into the trap of identifying them with the “I,” then that’s where the suffering can begin. And that’s what I think Gandhi meant. Eckhart Tolle also writes about some of these concepts in “A New Earth.”

And just like I’m not my physical or mental condition, I’m also not my emotions. These are states that drift through my mind like the weather. Challenge yourself to practice simply sitting with your emotions or any physical pain you might have, and separating “you” from “it.” It’s hard work, I know. It will take a lot of trial and error. But learning to let go could make the difference between pain and suffering. Try this:

1. If you recognize a negative emotion (for example, you feel sad), practice getting into a quiet space and simply sitting with it. Acknowledge that it’s there. Observe it. Write about it, if that’s your thing (and we PNN folks know how to write about our emotions!) When writing about it, try to personify it by making it into a story or a character. If you want to, put this story in your Emotional Rescue Kit (if you keep one) if you find yourself mired in this emotion in the future.

2. Take a mental step backward from the emotion. You are still experiencing it…our intent is not to shove it away or pretend it isn’t happening…just to examine in more depth how it feels. Stepping backward also keeps you from getting so stuck to the emotion that you amplify it or “pile on” other negative emotions (as in, “oh, I feel so sad, I’ll never get out of this pit, I’m worthless, nobody loves me and I have cellulite on my butt, too…”) In dialectical behavior therapy, this is called “teflon mind.” The intent is to practice letting the emotion in and experiencing it without getting stuck to it. This also helps reinforce the idea that you are not your emotion.

3. Know that you don’t need to act on every emotion that drifts through your mind. That’s a choice, and in some cases, a habit. If you’re angry because a driver cut you off in traffic, it doesn’t mean you have to respond with the one finger salute, or, worse, chase him down and tailgate him, leaning on your horn. I know this isn’t an easy one. You may feel like you need to “teach someone a lesson” about their bad behavior. And yes, there are times and ways to do that. But is a fleeting emotion reason to put you and your passengers in a dangerous situation?

4. Practice acceptance. When you fall into the trap of judging your emotions (for example, “I’m angry and want to hit my husband for what he said, and that makes me an awful person and I hate myself and he’d want to divorce me if he knew”), you risk getting totally stuck in that emotion and making yourself feel even worse. Take a breath. Remind yourself that you’re human. And if you can’t immediately change a situation that makes you experience negative emotions, practice acceptance. This doesn’t mean being someone’s doormat. But for example, perhaps you don’t like your brother-in-law, but he’ll always be at family gatherings. You can’t change that, unless you never want to go to a family gathering again, or if your sister divorces him (and you have no control over that!) So practice accepting those negative emotions that might come up. That’s just about the hardest one for me. And writing about definitely helps me sort it out, or at least it gives me an outlet for those emotions so they’re less likely to “stick.”

So if this feels right for you, try it, and let me know how you do. For those of you who stay serene in choppy waters, what has helped you?